Hello, Stranger: On Creating Connection in NYC
We are living in a loneliness epidemic. This is more than conjecture; it’s measurably so. The decline in togetherness, though easily blamed on screens, actually pre-dates them. In his seminal book Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam identifies the decline of what had held social bonds together—things like religious services, social clubs, and bowling leagues—and shows how people in the US are becoming more isolated and fractured.
The decline in civic engagement that Putnam described in his 2000 book has only intensified in the years since. On average, we don’t join clubs or organize communities or even talk to strangers. One possible culprit is social media, which has moved many gathering spaces from IRL to online and comes with a well documented negative effect on mental health.
As two people who really care about IRL gathering—Richard through the lens of events and cultural experiences (The Blankman List), and Allie via community-based meetups (stories by allie)—we thought we’d put something down on paper as to how you might break the ice, so to speak. This piece explores how to go from creating a connection from nada. Through anecdotes, spaces, and places, we muse on how to make a connection with a stranger in New York City.
Richard: Theater Rush and Lottery
“Theater kids” of NYC may not realize that among New Yorkers at large, the Broadway rush and lottery system is not universally known or used. It is a reliable way to see Broadway shows for under $50 a ticket. The Met Opera has a rush program as well, meaning many operas, ballets, and classical concerts can also be seen affordably.
Impromptu theater and performances are not for everyone, and lots of people enter for just a solo ticket, something I’ve done plenty myself. This has put me next to fellow lottery winners and enthusiasts. It’s rare that I initiate a conversation, though I have a few times, and I usually like to engage when they start. Memorable encounters include a woman who was seated separately from the rest of her church group, one person who entered lotteries when not working as a Broadway usher, and a woman with deep knowledge of opera set design history.
Incidentally, I’m a fan of Lin Manuel Miranda’s three-block rule: save criticism until you’re three blocks from the theater.
Allie: New Wave of Bathhouse Experiences
The history of bathhouses in NYC is a diverse + fun one; in the late 1800’s they sprang up in the tenements of the Lower East Side to provide a place for people to - quite literally - take a bath + get clean. Starting in the mid 1940’s, as residents were now likely to have a bathtub in their own homes, the bathhouses that thrived were those offering a clandestine yet welcoming space for the gay community.
Today, there’s an undeniable proliferation of sleekly designed, millennial-catering options. And they’re offering something unique: not only are the physiological benefits real, but there’s a community that’s built up around them, and being in connection with a group of people who value their health + wellness - what a vibe!
Bathhouse’s location in Williamsburg is almost always sold out; their new space in Flatiron holds 1200 people.
Alas, I’m the biggest fan of Othership, which just opened its doors in Flatiron. Why? Cause they’re fusing sauna + cold plunge w a class format that’ll spiritually open you up. Pro tip: my friend Caleb teaches a Sunday class that includes rhythm and meditation and its *great*.
Cuz yah - what better way to meet like-minded folk than immersed in 40 degree water with an instructor encouraging you to find your strength - amiright!?
Richard: Fast Food in Times Square
Once, I went to a Broadway show on my own but didn’t have time to eat first. I do not in good conscience recommend wandering the streets of Times Square at 11 p.m., looking for a quick meal. The only thing worse than the crowds are the food options. Yet that was how I decided to try Raising Cane’s for the first time. Once I had my food, I found a small unattended table for two and sat down. It started out a little awkward but ultimately peaceful: put on a podcast, apply hand sanitizer, shovel deep-fried things into my mouth. Then the two tables to my left emptied at once, and a sudden horde of seven women in their teens and twenties arrived to fill them. I felt propelled back to middle school: a nerd utterly self-conscious about my social surroundings.
I saw one diner had a Hadestown Playbill in front of her. I took off my headphones and broke the ice. “I don’t mean to intrude, but obviously I’m now seated with all of you. If you don’t mind me asking, what did you think of Hadestown?” They turned out to be a group of friends spanning multiple colleges, all students and recent graduates. They were major Broadway fans—hence why they met to see a Broadway show—and while I ate, we talked about favorite shows and theater experiences. Perhaps a sign of my age is it didn’t even occur to me to exchange numbers or socials. I made friends in that moment—and said goodbye when the moment ended.
Allie: Roller Skating
My friend Varun just opened a roller arts rink in the heart of Bushwick called Xanadu. There’s food + drink + depending on when you go - you might end up at a skaterobics class, a disco brunch, or Yacht Rock Cruise Night.
I’m a rly big fan of activity as a way to connect / bond - what better way to break the ice than stumble round on skate + commiserate over it!? You don’t need to be someone with 10 years experience roller skating or blading: you just need to be open to learning / trying / not being perfect the first time. Bonus: there are beginner skaterobics classes (!!)
Richard: Professional Conferences
If you want an environment where talking to strangers is encouraged, it’s a professional conference. The context is of course a little more formal, and many attendees are there on behalf of employers, yet networking is often an explicit focus.
Once at a conference on gaming and assessment (not Games for Change, the conference shown above), I met a woman who was both working to develop video games as part of a government initiative and coincidentally staying at the same hotel as me. We were seated together in a group activity where the topic of the card game Magic: The Gathering came up. “Do you play?” I asked. She said yes but not recently. I told her yes and recently. Once the conference ended, we tracked down a local game store, each bought a pile of booster packs, and played Magic.
To be clear, that was a major exception. Most conference interactions are more banal. “So what are you working on now?” followed by small talk and a polite exchange of contact information. Professional conferences are so niche (and expensive) that they don’t generally wind up on the Blankman List. However, sometimes I find ones effectively open to anyone, such as this year’s conference on women’s history at the New-York Historical Society that cost $5 to attend, and there is a fine line between a convention for professionals and hobbyists. There are conventions around the city for comics, anime, cards (including Magic!), kaiju, theater, LGBTQ+ pop culture, and so on. Among the merch tables and autograph lines, you will find hundreds of like-minded people.
Allie: Church
Hokay - bear w me on this one. I know many will read this and go, ‘huh!?’ or even, ‘WTF!?’
To be sure, we’ve been in a mass churchgoing exodus for 3 generations. And I get why: we (millennials) feel there’s a hypocrisy, an irrelevance, moral failures galore. And to be fair: there are!
Its just that historically church has been the epicenter of community: it’s where you met values-aligned people who lived near you and who were down to be a support infrastructure if/when it was needed.
And turns out: having that network leads to happiness and better physical, emotional + spiritual health. having it leaves us feeling isolated and depressed.
You might be thinking to yourself: ‘that’s what my friends are for’ or, ‘I now have an informal network that does that.’ And to be sure: you might be right!
AND
I’m offering that church might give you something extra: a spiritual foundation that nurtures while expanding you socially and emotionally.
I’m not suggesting you head out your front door and walk into the first church you find: I’m offering that you spend some time articulating your own spiritual beliefs + values and then finding a space where they are shared. For some, it might be a church. For others it might be a temple or a Zen center or a mosque or or or or or…
For me - a liberal identifying 40 yr old - there are 2 spaces that’ve resonated w me: Middle Collegiate Church (Protestant), and the Community Church of NY (Unitarian). I spend most Sundays at Middle.
There are lotsa reasons I love it, but the main one is that it brings me into a different kind of connection from my ‘normal’ life: it’s all ages. All races. A diversity in gender identities + sexual orientations.
And to be sure, every week it brings me into contact with people I value: an urban revitalization strategist, a trans orator, a sustainable fashion designer + his husband. It also brings me into contact with people who live near me, and I believe hyper local community, especially in NYC, is really important.
Allie writes the Substack stories by allie, which dives into her inner world and promotes real-world connections.
Richard writes the Substack The Blankman List, which provides a curated monthly list of things to do in New York City.
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